Friday morning was different. I felt lighter (I wish I was referring to my weight, but not quite). I spent the day with my husband. We went to breakfast, drove to Santa Fe to see Julian and take him to lunch, ran the dogs, and just came home and enjoyed the evening. I got my sewing machine out for the first time in a couple of weeks and my heart felt good.
The fog I have been living in after my recent job loss has lifted. Now, I may still have a bad day or two here and there, but I finally feel hope. It’s ironic that of all people I could not be hopeful. I am all about hope, but sometimes it’s hard to hold on to when everything is just terrible. I did have another realization…I taught private oboe lessons all through college and landed my first teaching job in the public schools when I was 21. I’ve been working for 30 years without much of a break! It’s no wonder this job loss was so devastating. I have found that I have often defined myself by my work. How could I be at a loss at what to do?!
But aren’t we all so much more than a certain role?
Mom, pastor’s wife, friend, speaker, writer, blogger, advocate, housekeeper, chauffeur, musician, cook, organizer….and these are just a few (and without a full time job)! We could list our roles on pages and pages that would go on for days, but do we truly know whose we are?
During this yucky time I honestly did not rely on my faith as much as I should have. Normally we tend to run to God when everything is falling apart and when all is well we may not spend enough time in praise to Him. But for some reason I just shut down. I think I started to turn around when I sat and was still. Yes, I was still.
While my youngest, Caeleb, was in his piano lesson, instead of driving home, I went to the labyrinth near our church. The day was perfect. The view amazing, and for the first time, in a very long time I sat, and listened, and prayed. As I walked each step through the labyrinth with a slow, steady rhythm filled with words of thanksgiving I felt God’s presence. I know He is always with me, but when you take away the distractions of the world and take time to listen, it’s amazing how your heart can open.
I’m listening. I am honestly not sure what the next step in my career will look like, but I do know that God knows every hair on my head and the desires of my heart. I just can’t go wrong.
Psalm 139 (NRSV)
O Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away. You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is so high that I cannot attain it. Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there. If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you. For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; that I know very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes beheld my unformed substance. In your book were written all the days that were formed for me, when none of them as yet existed. How weighty to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! I try to count them—they are more than the sand; I come to the end—I am still with you. O that you would kill the wicked, O God, and that the bloodthirsty would depart from me— those who speak of you maliciously, and lift themselves up against you for evil! Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with perfect hatred; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- Not having to cook dinner!
- Warm socks
- Gorgeous New Mexico days
- Kleenex
- Cupping
