I have finally accepted something. I will always have physical pain. I will always have my heating pad plugged in and available and taking breaks to stretch is part of my routine. I’m not talking about just the regular aches and pains you get as you age, but the chronic stuff that doesn’t go away. I am fortunate because my surgery in 2016 relieved a huge amount of my pain. I have 90% of the feeling back in my left hand and a chiropractor who I see regularly. He is amazing.
The sad part of chronic pain is that it takes so much away from your life.
I haven’t ridden horses regularly in several months because of fear.
I am afraid that if I fall I will completely mess up my neck.
I am afraid that if I let go and canter and get too comfortable, the jostling will damage my neck again.
I am too careful because I am scared of hurting myself and I am gaining weight.
I am afraid to hurt like I had before.
Even during the height of my pain, most people would have never known I was struggling. I always managed to keep moving forward with work, my family, making dinner, etc. It’s amazing how you can mask the things that tear you up inside. Physically and emotionally. You just do the next thing on the list and hope that you can get through it.
It’s only now at the age of 48 that I can imagine the pain my mother must have felt when I was growing up and putting her through all of the awful things teenage girls can put their mothers through (but not boyfriend trouble….I know she was grateful for that). And the pain that she never talked about…the loss of my brother as an infant. The pain she must have dealt with alone with depression and anxiety. And all of the physical ailments that plagued her in her last years.
Yes, I have used the phrase, “Just wait until you have children, then you will understand!” Yes, I am my mother in more ways than I ever imagined I would be. And I am so glad that I am. Despite her pain that came from all directions in her life she moved forward and taught me how to be strong.
It’s time to get strong and not let the pain get the best of me.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- vacation
- a 3 hour horseback ride
- movies
- Tylenol
- diet root beer
I understand what you are saying. I live my life this way and watch Cyndi go through more pain than I can ever understand. I don’t ask God why because I know he has a plan and we just have to wait till he is ready to reveal all. Hang in there Cazandra, we love you.