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I have always said that the Lenten season is my favorite season of the church year. It is a time when I am more intentional in my prayer life, and is a time when I give up or add something to my life to enrich my understanding of my spiritual life. In the past I have given up sodas and candy and have written cards to different people each day of the season. My practice is always different and brings me a deeper meaning to the season.
Here we are on Palm Sunday, the beginning of Holy Week, and I feel like I have completely missed out. I’ve not been intentional in prayer. I haven’t given up or added anything to my life. I am in a place where I feel completely “off.” I am still dealing with the reality of unemployment, my oldest son’s college may be closing, my youngest son is about to undergo a big change in treatment, and I am dealing with a very, deep hurt.
“No wonder, Cazandra! You have a right to feel the way you do.”
Maybe a little, but I am upset with myself. I am upset because I have not put my faith completely in God. I am letting worry get the best of me…and anger, which is not pretty. I want to crawl into my pit, hunker down with some Hulu and be left alone, but if I do that, the one speaking ill of me will get the best of who I am, and I just cannot let that happen. As for a job, I know it’s all about timing and the decision I have made to not go back into the “bleeding disorder” business full time. There is something amazing out there for me, God knows it, it’s just not time. And in the waiting, I know He is with me, holding my hand, I just have to let go and let Him work on my heart.
My heart is heavy. I know it won’t be this way forever, and until I feel lighter I will keep God’s word close to my heart.
Today I Am Thankful for:
- scavenger hunts
- a new quilt in the works
- clean floors
- laundry done
- God’s love
