Doing the next right thing is hard. Alcoholics use the mantra when they want nothing more than to take a drink that leads to another and another. An overeater will use it when they want that one cookie that leads to the entire bag. And when you suffer from depression, you just want to stop. Everything.
When you are in the middle of depression, life does not stop. The family still needs to eat, laundry needs to be washed, coffee needs to be made…it never stops. As much as I would love to hide out and get under the covers, I can’t. I never have, even at the height of my depression.
It’s funny how those of us who consider ourselves “high functioning” with depression can operate in the world. When we are out and about in social situations and when we are meeting and greeting others and carrying on conversations, our depression is still there, but working to mask what is truly happening zaps all of our energy. When I get home, I can breathe deeply and unfortunately, my depression takes over.
When it is really bad, it is physically hard to move. Walking through the store is exhausting. And going to the gym is excruciating. Years ago I would have not done anything unless it had been absolutely necessary. The good thing about where I am now is that I will make myself go to the grocery store even if I don’t need anything just so I will get out of the house. I just started back to the gym and forcing myself to get there has been horrendous. But I’ve done it.
I wish I could say that there was a reason it happens. Those closest to me don’t always understand what is going on, but fortunately I am at a place in my life where I can talk about what is happening, and my support system is with me all the way.
Depression is not something that goes away if you go out and get sunlight.
Depression does not go away if you take a shower.
And it certainly does not go away if you pray harder.
I wish it went away with medication and therapy, but those are only tools to help. When those tools are used they can definitely be effective. But when your medications need a “tweak,” it seems like it takes a lifetime for them to take effect.
Even when you do all of the “right” things, depression can come back and hit you upside the head when you least expect it.
What I know that is true in my life is that my God is always with me. I know who He is. Every moment of my life, every movement I make, God is with me. He never lets me stay in the pit, but when I am there, so is He. I have felt his hand grip the nape of my neck and He has never let go, even when I wanted him to let me go and let me be done.
The pit is lonely. But when I open my eyes, He is there.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- My dogs
- Sunday lunch
- Preaching at my church
- Seeing my Caeleb play piano in church
- A new keyboards
