When I began blogging in 2006, I needed a space to let go of my thoughts. Over the years I have found that releasing my struggles, pain and joys has been a cathartic experience. It has also become a platform for my advocacy work for those with bleeding disorders. It is only recently that I began speaking openly about my mental health struggles. But there is something else.

I have been living with chronic pain for about the last 8 years. My pain was exacerbated during Caeleb’s 2nd grade year when he was in a wheelchair. I think the lifting of the chair, in and out of the car, is what caused damage to my spine. I eventually had neck surgery and for awhile after surgery I thought my pain was gone…but it was short lived. I worked hard to lose weight in the hopes that my pain would subside. Unfortunately, my pain has been back with a vengeance and the past month has been intense. I am waiting on an appointment to the neurologist. My recent MRI scans of my spine show several problems and I hope that there are some ways to relieve my pain before considering another surgery.

I recently decided to write a letter to my pain and even submitted it to The Mighty and they published it. It was a prompt from The Mighty to write a letter to my illness a few years ago that sparked the idea for my upcoming book, Dear Hemophilia. My hope is that others in my world will be exposed to what chronic pain may look like and perhaps they will have an empathetic ear when they encounter someone with a similar issue. I also hope that putting this out in the world will help me release some of the emotional pain that it has caused me and maybe I will be able to breathe a little more deeply.

I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want people to understand that a person with chronic pain doesn’t always exhibit symptoms on the outside. I preached and led worship this morning while in pain and no one would have ever known. I am training for a 5K and working through my pain to do it. I am determined to live my life and be active despite my pain.

My faith has been constant and my God is bigger than any obstacle I encounter.

God has led me this far, and I’m not done yet.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. fans
2. Netflix
3. routine
4. bird seed
5. red fingernail polish