When you are an adult there are moments that come back to you.  Moments that all of a sudden make sense from something in your past.  I have been living with depression and anxiety for over 20 years and I have seen my mother in my life in more ways than I ever imagined.

Her “little pill” that she would take always seemed to be needed when she was upset.  I had no idea that was anxiety.  I wonder how many times I just ignored the fact that she wasn’t feeling well and continued to argue with her or do something that I knew would upset her.  I admit, I was a “piece of work” from time to time.   I have lived with anxiety that can sometimes be debilitating, but somehow I manage to keep moving forward.  One of the hard things about depression and anxiety is that unless you suffer from it, it is hard to understand.  It is hard to be there for someone who has it because it sounds like it should be easy to “fix.”  But it’s not.

I don’t know that I would have been able to help my mom, but maybe I would have been more patient and understanding when she was not feeling well.  Her physical illnesses brought on a lot of feelings for her and I wasn’t there to hear her.

I wish I would have understood then what I understand now.

• I understand that at the worst of a depressive period, time moves on and the family must be cared for.
• She did that for me, my sister and my Dad.
• I understand what it is like to feel so completely alone while being active in work, home and community.
• She didn’t miss work to stay in bed…she kept moving.
• I understand how to love deeply without worrying about myself.
• My mom loved her family fiercely and gave of herself when she had nothing left.

I wish my mom had been alive to love my children.  She passed away when my oldest son was 5 weeks old.  It just wasn’t time!  I needed her to rock my sons and sing the “Loo Loo” song to them, to come to my house and have them look in her purse for surprises.  To be there for me when I was terrified of hemophilia to tell me it would be okay.

I often wonder how in the world I managed to be a young mom working full time, with a hemophilia diagnosis, being a wife and good daughter to my Dad.

It was because of her that I was able to do those things.

My mom, Lydia Cano Campos, was a woman who loved fiercely.  She not only took care of her family, but was the best friend a person could ever have.  She believed in me and never doubted I would succeed in whatever I did.  It’s something I hold on to dearly.

I miss the laughter…the kind where you don’t make a sound because you can’t catch your breath!  We would do that together at the most inopportune times 🙂  I miss taking naps at her house, because you never sleep as good as you do at mama’s house.  I miss our shopping trips to Dillard’s…we would do some major damage.  I miss her pork chops and iced tea, her awful house dresses, and the snow cones we would get in Jacinto City.

There are so many things I wish I would have asked her.  So many things that I never considered until after I had children.  I wish I had more time with her as the adult woman that I am.

You are never the same after your mom passes away.  I miss her terribly…as if she left yesterday.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Lunch with my family
2. A new printer
3. The last week of school
4. Ice, cold water
5. Kleenex