I did it. I said I would not, but I did. I started crying today while making my traditional Christmas morning cinnamon rolls. The dough was not coming out right, and I finally gave up, but the tears were not about the rolls, they were about my oldest son, Julian, not being home for Christmas. I know it is best that he remains at home this season because this virus is dangerous. He works in a place where people do not take this threat seriously and he is concerned about bringing the virus into our home. I get it, but I still miss him.
This is now the second holiday I am celebrating without both of my sons at home. While my head knows and understands why, my heart is broken. I am grateful that my son calls regularly, he even video calls me more often than not, but not being able to hug him has hurt my soul.
My husband was leaving to run an errand and he saw me wiping the tears from my face. He walked over to me, held me, and said, “If we could get through the holidays in the hospital, then there’s nothing we can’t do.” In that moment I flashbacked to the year that our youngest son, Caeleb, was in the hospital more than at home. Every holiday was spent on the 6th floor at the UNM Children’s Hospital. I put fake spider webs on his walls with plastic spiders in October, window clings on every possible surface for Thanksgiving, and brought in a Christmas tree for December. I was determined to do everything possible to keep my family together, no matter where we were spending Christmas.
If the only problem I have this holiday season is that I am not getting to hug my oldest son, then I have nothing to complain about.
Yes, things are different this year, but I do not know if I have ever been filled with such an overwhelming sense of gratitude for what I have. It is not about the traditions and presents, or the cinnamon rolls coming out perfectly, it is about the love that we have for each other. That, Beloved, is something that can never be taken away from us.
Merry Christmas.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- dry hands
- baby dill pickles
- 25 lb bags of flour
- Google Duo
- my family
