Motherhood is a journey that is filled with ups and downs. But I revel in the ups more than the downs. But sometimes I feel alone. Yes, I have an amazing husband and wonderful network of “framily” (friends who are more family than friends), but not having my mother is a loss with which I will never completely heal.

I caught myself wanting to pick up the phone to call her just a few days ago and my mom died over 24 years ago. That longing is deep, yet I feel her presence with me during the times I need her the most.

There are so many questions I want to ask her. Questions that I never considered when I was only 27. How did you know Daddy was “the One? What was it like growing up as a kid? Would you tell me about my brother? What did you know about hemophilia?

I don’t know if she could have been vulnerable enough to share the loss of her only son, who died five days after he was born. But I like to imagine that as we both got older that she would open up and share her feelings.

What I remember is the laughter. Oh, my goodness could we laugh! She would laugh so hard that tears would roll down her face and she wouldn’t make a sound. We could be silly and giggle over the craziest of things. And I remember her hands. The softness of her hands is something I can feel when I am at my lowest.

When I am in physical pain, or when my sons are struggling, she would be the one that I could call, who would give me reassurance. She would help me focus and talk me “off the ledge” so that I could see the good in what was yet to come. Her best friend, Minnie, is still here, filling the void. I can’t imagine what it would be like if I didn’t have Minnie to call and encourage me and love me only the way a mom can.

So today I give great thanks to the Creator of the Universe. The God who knows every hair on my head, and the deepest desires of my heart. For it is God who has blessed me on my path with the people I need to support and encourage me along the way.

For the joys and struggles of the past have made me who I am today, and for what is yet to come, I know that God is in control, shining the light on my path.

Today I Am Thankful For:

1. Best friends
2. Text messages
3. Decaffeinated Pinon coffee
4. Surprises left on the porch
5. boxes