My oldest son, Julian, is 20 and my youngest, Caeleb, is 11. There is almost a ten year age difference between them. When I had Caeleb, I truly felt like a new mom simply because the baby gear was so much nicer and high tech compared to 1996! Whoever invented the Boppy was a genius 🙂 Strollers could be opened and closed with the flick of your wrist, warmers for wipes, much nicer monitors…it was amazing. But the truth was, I enjoyed being a mom at an older age for so many reasons.
Yes, I was potty training my sweet boy when I was 40, but I had so much appreciation for the things I was getting to do all over again when I thought I would never have another child. I wasn’t consumed with what other people thought and I certainly did not worry about his clothes being from a certain boutique. And I wasn’t worried if I didn’t catch a certain shot on film. I was spending time with my baby and enjoying it to the fullest.
But it took several months before I could fall back into being the mom to a newborn. I suffered from postpartum depression. I’ll be honest, I thought postpartum depression was an excuse. How in the world could a woman feel nothing for her child?
I didn’t feel anything. I got it. It terrified me.
When Julian was born, the minute he was put into my arms I felt like I was going to suffocate from the overwhelming love I felt for him! But when Caeleb was brought to me, I looked at him and thought, “Is that my son?”
I remember going to the office of my psychiatrist on the sixth floor, feeling very weepy and dazed. I made myself stay close to the walls because part of my insides were asking me why I didn’t just go to the railing….just…let…go. I vividly remember that moment and can’t believe that was me.
It took a great deal of work with my psychiatrist and therapist to help me get though that horrible time and I am so glad that I did. And my husband! My angel of a husband stood by me and did everything he possibly could to help me even though he could not understand what I was going through.
Truth is, I absolutely adore my Caeleb. He is a little boy who has taught me about courage, strength and love in ways I never imagined. But sometimes I feel like being an “older” mom is a disadvantage to him.
- “Am I spending the kind of time with him that I did with Julian?” Maybe not, but the quality of our time is pretty amazing.
- “Am I giving him what he needs?” I don’t know if I will know the answer to this question until he is an adult.
- “Would I give my life for him?” Absolutely.
My children are so, incredibly different and I can honestly say that I don’t love one more than the other, but my love for them is different. When Julian was little, I remember the preschool director saying, “Cazandra, you need to have another child so that you can chill out with Julian!” It’s funny how Julian will even comment that Caeleb gets away with murder compared to him (I think that’s kind of normal) 🙂
I may not be able to give Caeleb what I gave Julian, but I am in a different place in my life. Thank goodness my boys don’t need exactly the same things! I know that God’s timing is perfect. He put these amazing souls in my charge and He knew what I had to give before I did.
It’s not coincidence that I go back to Ecclesiastes often. It was the passage read at my mother’s funeral and is a passage that has helped to keep me sane over the years. Caeleb’s time was not to be any earlier that January 18, 2006. It was that moment, ordained by the One who created each of us. He knew that my mighty warrior had work to do and I just happen to be his mom.
Today I give thanks for God’s timing. I couldn’t imagine my life without my fearless boy.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- sleeping in
- cancelling part of a trip to rest
- bottled water
- my hourglass
- sweet peppers
