When I was younger I would have won an award for worrying. I was great at it! I would lose sleep, overeat, panic, and even had the beginnings of serious anxiety before I even knew what it was. As my journey with Christ became more solid and meaningful I began to control the worrying….anxiety was more difficult but definitely much better than it used to be years ago.
This past Thursday evening my worry and anxiety levels were off the charts. My youngest son was admitted to the hospital to have a port removed and a new one placed. The plans were made early in the week so there was time to “prepare.”
I don’t think it is possible to prepare when your child has surgery. He had been through this surgery several times before, so why the anxiety?
I have struggled over this weekend feeling as if my faith was compromised. There were times I could not even consider what was happening and then the enormity of the fact that this surgery needed to go well was almost too much for me to comprehend.
Am I less of a “Jesus Girl” because I doubted and worried and let anxiety get the best of me?
Absolutely not! I say this and know it is true and want to believe it with my whole heart but part of me feels like a hypocrite because I let a yucky, stressful situation get the best of me.
We are human. Every day that I open my eyes I thank God for giving me another opportunity to start with a clean slate. Sometimes we have to be numb because it is a defense mechanism. Other times we can’t begin to keep our emotions in check. But what I do know is that God loves me when I’m numb, when I am angry and when I doubt.
He hasn’t left me yet.
You either.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- Ice machines
- Board games
- The “big” room on the 6th floor
- Netflix
- Diet root beer
