I wasn’t quite prepared for the neck fusion I just had.  I’ve been in quite a bit of pain for a couple of years and after injections, medication, chiropractic care, and physical therapy, it was time for a surgical intervention.  The pain after surgery was not what I expected, it was far worse.  The doctors don’t tell you that the worst of the pain is due to how they position you on the table and move your neck during the actual surgery!  It truly felt like I had been in a wreck.

Now I am just over two weeks past my surgery and the majority of the pain is gone but another thing I had not planned for has reared its ugly, uninvited head…depression.  I am feeling better physically but I don’t have much energy.  Yes, it’s only been two weeks, yes I need to give myself time….but having time off to rest and heal is something I am not good at.

“How can you be depressed, Cazandra?  You are on paid medical leave!”

It’s funny how I thought during my recovery I would get a project or two done.  Not even close.  I’ve “productively” been watching Netflix.

I am living without purpose right now.  That sounds dramatic, but what I mean is that I am not reporting in to work with tasks and objectives to fulfill.  My amazing husband gets Caeleb up, fed, dressed, infused and off to school and my oldest son, Julian, picks him up.  Driving is not great for me right now and I am grateful, but purpose at home is different now too.  It’s simply to heal and that requires rest.

During this time of rest, depression is covering me like an old, heavy, patchwork quilt.  The kind of quilt that is heavy and cold to touch when it is unfolded and laid on top of you.  It’s the kind of depression that you want to not fight.  Letting it take over you seems easier than giving it a good fight.

Fortunately I have an appointment here and there (including teaching Sunday school for a while) and that keeps me with just enough to get up and out of the house for a bit.

I know I am not alone but I feel alone.  I have an amazing family and church family that helps me get things done.  But when depression comes it seems to suck the life out of me.  I imagine depression to look like a ghost but black instead of white.  It hovers and engulfs every part of my being.  It pours doubt into my heart and doubt is the most dangerous of all.

I have to hang on to the things that are important; my family, my church, my talents and passions, and most importantly my God.  The One who created me to be this middle aged woman who carries extra weight, has gray hairs and loves the smell of horses.  He created me to be a woman not afraid of spreading messages of hope, encouragement and faith, and a woman who loves her family and will fight for them in an instant.  Fighting depression is something I will probably do until my last breath on this earth, but I’ll never be afraid to talk about it.

If you struggle with depression keep on fighting and talking about it.  It helps to take its power away.

Today I Am Thankful For

1. Soft t-shirts
2. Get well cards
3. Pizza
4. Netflix
5. Fedex packages with surprises 🙂