I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. It’s not a big secret, but it’s something I don’t talk about very often. I was officially diagnosed 20 years ago but looking back on the years before that, I can see that there were definitely signs.
My mother also suffered from depression and anxiety. She never said it out loud, but as an adult I look back and everything points to that particular diagnosis. “I need my little pill,” she would often say to me as I would bring her purse to her. She suffered the loss of a child before I was born and I often wonder what life was like for her during that devastating time.
I don’t typically miss work due to depression because I have always been able to “function,” even if not to my top potential. As the years have passed I have become very aware of my body and can even “feel” when I am starting to sink. I even tell my husband. I take regular medications, see a therapist and a psychiatrist, but despite all of the things I do to keep myself mentally healthy, depression can grab me and drag me down little by little and all of a sudden, I find myself in the dark, slimy pit that seems to have no way out.
I regularly take our dogs to the park during lunch. My puppy loves to fetch. It is good for all of us to get out in the sun even if just for a bit. One day I noticed that my legs were heavy. They almost felt sore as if I had gone up and down hundreds of stairs. I had barely started my walk, why in the world was I so tired? That’s when I realized my depression was trying to get the best of me. The physical pain of it is sometimes hard to comprehend.
Sometimes I give in willingly and let the depression take over, but as I’ve gotten older I find that I fight harder with every episode to keep my wits about myself and put one foot in front of the other. It’s not easy. I am just grateful that I can often feel the symptoms before they completely take over.
If you know someone who suffers from depression, it’s not because they just need to take a walk outside or aren’t “praying hard enough.” No, they can’t “snap out of it” by going shopping because sometimes the energy it takes to get through the mall is non-existent.
Just love them. Hopefully you will never know how they feel.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- New fabric
- Fried chicken
- A movie with my sons
- My church family
- A new season
New fabric?
As a fellow “little pill” user for clinical depression and anxiety, it is nice to have read your story. It has gotten more manageable AA I’ve aged and spent many years with mental health professionals teaching me ways to identify and manage my symptoms. I am blessed to be surrounded in work and my personal life with supportive and caring people. Thank you for sharing!
Hi from Holy Covenant! I too know the pain of clinical depression and you’re right, it’s no fun. Let me tell you what was a breakthrough for me. If you haven’t done this already, have your Dr. do a Genetic test. We process different chemicals in different ways. This test will show which chemicals your body processes most efficiently. It helped me find the correct medication and my life is greatly improved. God bless Hon!