It hits suddenly. The darkness, the coldness, the shroud of depression. If you have never expereienced depression, it is very hard to understand.
“Can’t you just snap out of it?”
“Go take a shower and you’ll feel better.”
“If your faith was stronger, you wouldn’t suffer from depression.”
I wish it was that easy. I’ve felt this setback coming, but when it hit it really scared me. I could barely care for my children.
I praise God for my sweet husband. He put me first, without condemnation, and cancelled his weekly trip to school in Denver to be with me. He forced me to do things with him and it was excruciating, but it was a victory.
Walking through the mall was the most painful thing I’ve done in ages. Step by step I felt as if I was going to just collapse. I put my foot one in front of the other and literally did the next right thing. It is what saved me from going to the absolute bottom of my “pit.”
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry, He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God, Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.”Psalm 40:1-3
Our drive to the mall is about an hour, so during that hour, I slept. It wasn’t a regular sleep, but a deep, outside of my body sleep. I didn’t know who I was, even in my short dreams.
Today was a day of rest. I slept most of the day but it was different. I was not falling into the pit of depression, but I was recovering from my brief visit there. Every hour I continued to climb my way out.
It takes every ounce of your being to be in the pit. It still amazes me how a person can go there against their will. Depression just sucks you in. You fight, you pray and sometimes you have to visit the pit before you can get back to the surface.
I know I am on the upswing of this bout of depression. I am working with my doctor on my medications, and trying to stay in the moment with my husband and children.
Soon these few days will be nothing but a memory and I will move on to better days, one moment at a time.
