The best memories I have of my mother involve laughter. We would laugh so hard that tears rolled down our cheeks and not a sound was made! My stomach and sides would hurt from our silliness. It didn’t take much for us to crack up and it was always good medicine for my soul.
She passed away five weeks after my first child was born. It was devastating. My mom was supposed to be there to help me figure out this “mothering” thing. I had not a clue what I was doing and had comfort in knowing that my mom was close by and I would be okay. When she died I was in a state of shock. Here I was with a five week old son who was diagnosed with a severe bleeding disorder and my world had been turned completely upside down. How in the world was I going to move on?
Becoming a mother was what I needed to move on. My son needed me. My husband needed me and my Dad was lost without my mom so I had no choice but to move ahead. I missed having my mom to call when my son rolled over and when he said his first word. She wasn’t there when he took his first steps or played with his choo choos. And she wasn’t there when he had his first infusion and I was terrified.
I thought she wasn’t there, but she has had a front row seat for everything in my life. I know she rejoiced when she watched my son turn into such an amazing musician! And I know she was dancing when I found out 10 years after my first son was born that a second son was coming into my life! As for the hemophilia I am sure she grieved as her grandsons struggled and endured pain but her hands were always on them in way they may never understand.
The strength I have as a mom came from her. I am the woman I am today because of the lessons she taught me that I did not understand until adulthood.
It’s almost been 19 years since she left this world and there are times a smell lingers in the air that reminds me of her. All of a sudden the hair on my arms stands on end and tears roll down my face because at that moment I feel her presence. My husband and I talk about her often and it always ends with laughter.
- Her “magic skillet” that my husband remembers well with meals prepared just for him.
- The watered down slush she brought to our door for my husband to “make peace” after they had a “disagreement.”
- The Sunday morning breakfasts after mass at the local diner.
- The $20 bill that would magically appear right when you needed it…she called it “lunch money”.
- Seeing her hold my son the day after he was born.
I have such wonderful memories of my mom.
I pray that my sons can say the same one day.
Today I Am Thankful For:
- windy days
- cherry tomatoes
- healthy eating
- lunch with friends
- a time of personal retreat
